- The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
- People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
- The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- A penny saved is worthless.
- They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the
- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- There apparently exists, somewhere in
- Nobody is normal.
- At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
The universe is even bigger than they thought!
There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
- The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
- Your friends love you anyway.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-- Dave Barry
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
.png)
